Filling the Expectation Gap

The expectation gap can simply be defined as the gap between what we expect to happen, and what actually occurs. The gap between what we expect to happen and what actually happens is a space we easily fill, often without giving it a second thought. Our minds immediately start racing as soon as an expected outcome doesn’t occur; “What happened?”, “Where are they?”, “What are they doing?”… The list of questions can be endless, and will vary from situation to situation. While this gap naturally occurs when an expected outcome doesn't come to life, the emotions you choose to fill the gap with is really the important thing.

When I lived in Winnipeg, Manitoba, my wonderful husband, some awesome friends, and I attended Oasis Community Church. To this day I don’t know if I’ve been involved in another church that was exactly what I needed the way Oasis was. The messages were easy to understand, practical to apply, and scripture was always backed up with perspective on culture and life in general when it was written thousands of years ago. Context was always given and to this day, that is something I always both appreciate and seek out in a message I am listening to.

During a series on Marriage at Oasis, Dustin (the awesome pastor) had given a message on Expectations. Oh boy, was it a good one! This message stuck with me and is something I wouldn’t say I think about regularly, but when I start to fill my expectation gap with negative thinking, the words which were spoken pop into my head and I snap myself out of it-- I remove the negative thinking and replace it with positive.

Bridget and I at her wedding. Photos by the
always gorgeous Steph Schulz Photography.

One of my closest friends was married this past June and I was honoured to be a bridesmaid and give the ‘Toast to the Bride”. My beautiful bride of a friend and her husband both attend and volunteer at Oasis—the same church I attended when I was living in Winnipeg. When Dustin spoke during the ceremony, his main message was about filling the expectation gap.

I found this to be extremely amazing for a few reasons;

1. It’s a great message and one I am reminded of as I go about life.
2. It’s applicable in all relationships from business relationships with co-workers, to relationships with friends, family and especially the marriage relationship.
3. I had recently chatted with one of my best friends about the very same topic!  

We all have expectations. Even those who say they don’t expect anything are still expecting nothing! When you expect something, it can be quite the alarming experience when your expectation isn’t met. Let’s create an example to help you understand more clearly…

Say your significant other says they are going to be home at a certain time. You clean up the place, make dinner, and are ready and anxiously awaiting their arrival. Their expected arrival time comes and goes and you are left waiting. Perhaps you send a text inquiring for a new ETA and you don’t hear back.

What’s your reaction? How do you fill the gap now left between the expectation and reality?

Often, an immediate reaction is to fill it with something negative:

‘They must be working late and didn’t think of telling me”

“They went out not caring to let me know or invite me”

The list of negative gap fillers can go on and on and get even more negative and disrespectful. Now that you have this negative mindset, when your significant other comes home your mood is sour, your mind is still spinning all these elaborate stories of things that could have happened, and you feel betrayed and alone.

No matter what the real reason of the unmet expectation, your negative mindset is already setting the other person up to fail in your eyes. They can say ‘Sorry I got caught up in the office and my phone died so I couldn’t text you.”, “Crazy traffic today!”, “I gave so-and-so a ride home after work.”  Even though all these responses are completely legitimate reasons, they can be viewed as “yea, whatever” reasons to you, because in your mind, the dish already ran away with the spoon and you’re the fork no one wants feeling left out of the information loop.

What would happen if you filled the same expectation gap with positivity?

“Traffic could be really bad right now”

“Their phone is always dying and they probably just can’t text me to tell me what’s up”

“I’ve been leaving hints about wanting flowers lately, maybe they are out getting me some!” (the last one is how I often fill my gap hehehe). 

Even thinking a simple “I trust my significant other, they love and respect me, I know everything is all good” is enough to leave you feeling positive even though your expectations aren’t being met, and won’t leave you in a bitter mood for when they do arrive home.

Dustin used some funny examples during the ceremony—one was of Bridget perhaps going on a shopping spree and Jay not knowing why. Another was of Jay coming from work late and Bridget not knowing why. Before you assume the negative, expect the positive, and be open to conversation to find out what really happened.

Too often this negative mind-set so easily fills our thoughts, and the positive doesn’t even get a chance to sneak in. When things are weird at work the gap can be filled with thoughts of getting fired or everyone talking about you behind your back; when things don’t go as expected with friendships thoughts of jealousy or envy can creep in; in your closest relationships, those negative thoughts can spread out into every part of your daily living. Who knows, perhaps the other party involved in meeting your expectation had no idea an expectation even existed (which can be common—especially in new relationships!)!

Let’s all vow to fill the expectation gap with the positive. It’s good for you, for your relationships, and you’ll actually feel the difference in your actions, your decisions and your responses. Next time you notice a negative thought creep in when your expectations aren’t met, fill it with the positive and make a note to talk to the other party about your expectations and why they weren’t met.  Communication is so important and will make you realize you probably had no reason to worry and be negative in the first place!

Thanks Pinterest!

When have you filled the expectation gap with negative thoughts? Did you see how the negativity flowed into your interactions and mood for the rest of the day? When have you filled the gap with the positive, and have you felt the difference? Positivity for the win!

Keep Choosing Joy

“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act how you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind” – Anonymous

I read that quote for the first time in, I believe, January or February. It is the perfect introduction that sets you off on a journey of changing your mind set in the book 'Power Thoughts' by Joyce Meyer.  I had listened to messages and read book where they touched on the topic, and I also have had my own thoughts on the topic challenged and changed as I have grown and learned; the idea that we choose our thoughts, and those thoughts can change our life, is a pretty huge thing to wrap your head around.

In my journey so far, I have found I tend to focus on ‘Love’ as an overall theme for everything I do. While it perhaps doesn’t always come across that way (yay for learning and growing!), it is the way I strive to act and conduct myself. I am aware that sometimes tough love is required, and loving people doesn’t always mean giving them answers they want to hear, but love is an incredible thing and truly needs to be expressed as the sole motive behind every single thing we do or say.

While choosing love can sometimes be difficult, choosing joy can sometimes be harder. I am the classic case of ‘I’m tired and hungry which means I’m grumpy and I don’t want to be around people or do anything and I just want to nap and play with a kitten and eat sweets and watch something cheesy’. Anyone else share these same oh-so lovely character traits? Choosing joy means, in the midst of whatever is happening, you are choosing to be positive—looking on the bright side of things when every thing and perhaps every one around you is encouraging the more negative side to take centre stage.

Kittens and cupcakes-- instant joy.

Why do we do this? Why do we allow negativity at the forefront of our minds? I think it’s probably because it’s easy. It’s a lot easier to be down in the dumps when your paycheque isn’t as big as you want it to be, when you can’t afford the new clothes, new house, or vacation you want. When you can’t see friends as often as you would like, when there’s no one physically around when you want someone there, when your dreams aren’t becoming reality. A lesson which needs to be learned is being negative about these things isn’t going to make them any better. Being negative isn’t going to improve the situation—it’s going to do the opposite. You are going to focus so much on the negative that any situation or circumstance that is less than ideal in your life is going to go from the size of a rain drop to the size of a tidal wave.

I’m not devaluing the importance of feeling emotions, or saying when the worst things happen you have to pretend to be happy and like nothing bothers you. I’m actually kind of saying the opposite….

While bad things happen and situations may not be what you hoped, there are always so many reasons to choose joy. When I’m feeling down in the dumps (and don’t have any kittens or candy around) I start to make a mental list of things I am thankful for. Sometimes this list starts as simple as acknowledging the every day things I take for granted which sustain life as I know it:

‘I am thankful my body works in amazing ways I don’t even understand.

I am thankful I have hands that allow me to create things.

I am thankful I have legs and feet that work so I can bike and run.

I am thankful I have food in the fridge and a roof over my head.

I am thankful I have clothing to wear that I got to pick out because I liked it.

I am thankful I breathe.

I am thankful I have a bed.

I am thankful for safety and protection.’

As soon as I start focusing on the things I am thankful for, I automatically start to feel a jump in my heart that spreads through my veins and leaves a smile on my face. I can’t help but be blown away by the sheer magnitude of greatness of the daily things I take for granted. This gratefulness almost always turns into joy. If I am not feeling joyful yet, I continue my thankful list:

‘I am thankful for friends who I can reach out when I need them.

I am thankful for a husband who encourages me, challenges me and supports me.

I am thankful for Love.

I am thankful for God who loves me and has more thoughts toward me they outnumber the grains of sand!

I am thankful for my workplace.

I am thankful for passions.

I am thankful for joy.’

I am thankful for joy.

I become so in awe of the fact I can choose to be happy in the midst of life, I can do a few things:

1. I can acknowledge how remaining negative and dwelling on things does nothing to improve the situation but actually makes it worse. Had I continued to be negative, the littlest things would have seemed catastrophic and I would have left no room for joy to begin to grow again.
2. I can assess the situations with a clearer headspace. I am no longer feeding the negativity. I am focusing on joy and being positive. This achieves a lovely balance for productive problem solving.
3. I can be positive. In the midst of what is happening around me, I know that being positive is good for my mental, physical and spiritual health. I will make better choices in all areas of life, I will surround myself with positive influences, I will continue on a path of positivity.

I used to be confused when people would talk about choosing joy. It seemed to me people were devaluing the things we, as human beings, feel and experience. It seemed so fake—like when we are having the worst day we are supposed to just smile and say cheesy things like “Everything happens for a reason!” (not true!) or “It’s in God’s hands!” (yes, God takes care of situations but we need to actively pursue the life His word tells us we should strive to live!).  This, to me, is crazy. If I feel bad, I feel bad. But the bottom line is I don’t want to feel that way so I’m going to change it—from the inside, not just the face I’m putting to the outside. Too many approaches, like those previously mentioned, also remove from us our ability and responsibility to change how we feel and think to ensure we live a happier life—they leave us thinking we need to learn to live in the midst of negativity. The truth is, we need to learn to leave negativity behind and focus on positivity.

Power Thoughts by Joyce Meyer was an awesome book that challenged you every single week with a new power thought. From things like ‘I love people and I enjoy helping them’ to ‘I am difficult to offend’, ‘I live in the present and enjoy each moment’, to ‘I put God first in my life’. There are 12 power thoughts and I plan to put them all on my wall to remind me that life doesn’t have to be spent wondering how in the world you can make things right, be happy, and overcome the negativity in your life. You can actively choose how you think to ensure you are continually choosing joy in the midst of what comes your way in life.

Images in body of blog courtesy of Pinterest

Positive Goal Setting

Image from Justina Blakeney

Oh, hey 2014.

I saw you sauntering towards us as we were nearing the end of our time hanging out with 2013. You were kindly waiting for us to finish our epic session before you took your turn with us—I appreciate that, you’re so kind.

So, what’s up? Are you happy to be here? I am sure glad you showed up. I enjoyed 2013 quite a bit—a lot of changes, opportunities, challenges resulting in growth and a lot to be thankful for. Many blessings are worth reflecting on, and I fondly look back at the wonderful moments of 2013. But, 2014, I am excited you’re here.

I’m not sure what 2014 will hold, but I do know it is in my hands with how I am going to shape it. I could leave it is as is, no ideas on how to shape it, leaving it flat—with no desires, goals, or excitement mixed with moments of calm and contentment changing it to mountains on my palms…

But I want those mountains.

While my wonderful husband and I were casually discussing 2014 on the last day of 2013 over Thai food, I asked what he is most looking forward to in 2013. I love asking questions like these. It’s probably a combination of my radio-dj-interviewer background, mixed with my genuine interest in my significant other and how I always thought being a counselor would be nifty. I like asking questions that make people think and examine themselves. My answer to the question returned to me is simply that I am looking forward to ‘overcoming the challenges’. An answer such as mine requires at least a bit of an explanation—I think it’s safe to say enjoying an actual challenge is difficult. I welcome a new challenge knowing I will overcome it and will have learned lessons, grown personally, and come out better for it. So it’s not the challenge itself I am looking forward to (or, let’s be honest, challenges—since I know there will be many), but I am looking forward to what happens after you overcome—the other side, which is accomplishment and further knowledge, gained.

I don’t know if I necessarily think the idea of ‘New Years Resolutions’ work—especially if they are decided on a whim and are not planned out. (That being said, I have totally made resolutions in the past where the end of the year is the first time I look at them again and I really have accomplished some.) I do believe in having goals. Goals for 2014 are great to have—and although I won’t be sharing my “how-to achieve your goals” guide on here (as it varies by individual), I am going to share with you a few of my general goals for the what is sure to be a remarkable 2014.

This is how I start my goal setting for the year.

These may seem generic to you, but I have visions of where I want to see them go and a few steps for how to see those made real in the present. One thing I truly believe is how a positive view is always more effective than a negative view. Example; I have on my list ‘Give More’. That is a positive statement. That is more uplifting and inspiring than reading ‘Work on Being Less-Selfish’ or flat out ‘Stop Being Selfish’. When you read those more negative statements, your mind automatically draws ideas of what the negative is like—You think of how you are being selfish, the way being selfish makes you feel, and generally all other negative emotions. When you read ‘Give More’ you are automatically brought into a positive mindset—it motivates you, gives you ideas and uplifts you to feeling the potential the statement holds.

As Mother Teresa said;

“I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there.”

I challenge you to write your goals, resolutions, or dreams in a positive manner. You’ll feel encouraged, ready for the challenge, and your mind will already be thinking of the amazing ways you can accomplish what you have written down. Believe me, it is amazing what being ‘pro’ instead of ‘anti’ can do.

Goals for 2014

- Give More

- Love More

- Serve More

- Gain Self-Confidence and, within that, 

Achieve a Realistic View-Point on Physical Wellness

- More God

- Blog Regularly

- Collaborate

- Strengthen My Marriage

This is just the beginning of the year and as the minutes turn into hours, hours to days, days to weeks and weeks to months, it is guaranteed these general goals will become refined, defined and challenged. I welcome all of those. As I get older, and as time passing arrives with mixed feelings, this year I will welcome the change of seasons and availability of the time I find myself blessed with. I will accept how not everything happens ‘over-night’ and my goals for 2014 are truly that—goals set for the course of the year, designed to be accomplished only as the time passes and brings us closer to 2015.

Be brave, display courage, seek guidance from God, love without abandon and know you have the ability to accomplish more than you ever thought possible.

**Other things I will be doing to set up my year in a positive mindset will be shared later on the blog so keep checking back!**

Thailand 2012 - Part 6

Myanmar, Markets and Motion Sickness

It's pretty much the end of the trip and I'm only having time to write now because we've been so busy!

Let's start with Myanmar.

We went to Myanmar to see the drop in centre. However, going to Myanmar is a sketchy thing.....



Myanmar Entry Permit.

First, they take your passport away when you enter. You get a temporary card that has your picture and some information on it and that you keep with you. This document will get your passport back when you want to leave. Next, they have specific tourist zones that you are allowed to be in. Myanmar has a really sketchy past and is full of things better left unsaid. We had heard about a tourist group who had gone in to see the garbage dump and help the families that live there. One of the drivers of the tuk-tuk had been a spy from the government... Needless to say, we did a few "touristy" things before heading to our intended destination.

We drove past the garbage dump so we could at least see the conditions some of the families kids at the home came from. For me, since I had worked at the garbage dump in Dominican Republic last summer, it wasn't as hard hitting as it was for those who hadn't seen it before. Natasha, who rode in the same tuk-tuk as I, really found it hard to swallow. It's a tough thing to drive past hills of garbage, some of it even burning, and then see houses in the background with kids playing. It seems like two things that should not go together.



Outside of the Chinese Temple.

After that we visited the Chinese temple then heading off to the BIG market. This market had everything knock-off you could think of! You could see where these kids at the home were coming from and it was so sad to see. After time of shopping we had lunch and then went to the drop in centre.

Kru Nam Speaking at the Centre.

At the drop in centre we chatted with 2 employees who told us all about the programs at the centre and about how their journey's led them there. Kru Nam also came and answered any questions we had. It was so awesome to hear that the goal isn't to send kids to the children's home, the goal is to help the kids where they are, with the situations they are in, and to offer them alternatives. Other things I was pumped to hear about include hearing about the drug rehabilitation program. They help the moms get off of drugs and then teach them skills they can use to make money instead of selling drugs and other means that aren't the best.



One thing that did make me a little sad was the fact that there is no counsellor that comes in to the children's home and drop-in centre to speak with the kids about what they are going through and how they are coping. Kru Nam said that the staff do a lot of counselling with the kids but that there is no actual counsellor/psychiatrist that comes in and helps the kids mentally with things. In my opinion, I feel that is something necessary and would love to see either through donations for funding, or even someone who is skilled and would want to volunteer.

The staff at the drop in centre provided us with delicious snacks (deep fried banana, mango sticky rice, tea,etc) and allowed us to browse the centre. They also showed us the reading materials they make up for the kids. Since there are no reading materials aimed at slavery, sexual exploitation, safe sex, etc the drop in centre makes their own! It was so cool to see that they are committed to educating the kids so that they can make smart choices in life. They also let us buy some of the bracelets, change purses and other knick-knacks made by the moms and kids to raise income. I'm pretty sure we all bought something! It's way better than anything you could find at the market and the sentimental value makes it more valuable than anything else you could ever find.

That evening Kru Nam joined us for dinner. We had the chance to ask her questions and learn more about her. She mentioned quite a few things that I will always remember. One thing that really stuck out in my mind was how people like us help keep her going! Talk about something you never thought possible! She mentioned some days, it's hard to get out of bed and face the day. But that it's people like us, people that come and help and care for the kids, that get her out of bed on those days she is feeling defeated. It's truly amazing to know that, even with the small role we felt we played, we are even an inspiration to Kru Nam herself!

Orchids.

Butterfly.

The next day we travelled to Chiang Mai. We travelled by van which..well...isn't always the best. Needless to say, especially from the title of the blog, you can tell this is where the motion sickness came in. It was a downer to not feel very well but we stopped a few nifty places on the way to the awesome hotel we stayed at. We stopped a butterfly and orchid place, a random hot spring and visited a temple where, after climbing to the top, it overlooks all of Chiang Mai. That's the part I skipped. I slept in the van to get over the motion sickness as the ride up was full of twists and turns. JK kept telling me about how I was missing out on something so gorgeous but that's OK. I plan on going back :)

The hotel we stayed at was awesome. We all loved it. A JK recommendation, it was called the Imm Hotel and was all white and orange. The soap also smells amazing...if you ever go, use the soap ;)

Bianca and I on the Dance Floor.

One night in Chiang Mai we went to a super touristy yet awesome restaurant and saw some authentic Thai dancing! Think Folklorama for Thailand but on a grander scale! Bianca and I even went out onto the stage in the middle of the restaurant and learnt to dance! It was such a fun experience! At the end of the food and dance, Milk had snagged some of the giant paper lanterns for us to release. Some of the group didn't want to participate, not wanting to take away from the magical time we had at the children's home releasing them. I however, got right in there and helped send them off! For me, it was all part of the cultural experience.

Upon returning back to the hotel, a group of us went to one of the big night markets. Most of us were pumped to do MORE shopping, since we are a majority girl group. On the way to the market, we walked through a red light district.

This was my first experience actually being in a red light district. I have seen these areas on movies and documentaries but actually being there and walking through it makes your heart ache. At the beginning of the night when were on the way to the market, there weren't a lot of people in the area yet. It was so sad to see the girls waiting there, sitting on stools at the very edge of the bars. Some of them would be yelling at you "Hey Sexy Ladies!" Some would just sit...not smiling...just sitting. As the night went on and we browsed the market, the bars and massage parlours down the street started to fill up. Our walk back to the hotel left most of us feeling sick. As we walked back the bars and massage parlours were pretty full. We would see white, adult men with their arms around the Asian girls laughing, chatting, flirting, and more. They were doing these things with girls who could have been the same age as their daughters. As we would walk and look inside all these places, the guys would look out at us, not even care that our faces were plastered with disgust, and go back to their treat for the night.

I had such a hard time with this. What those men are doing makes me mad, sick to my stomach, makes my heart race and makes me feel an uncomfortable anger for what is happening. To know, although we didn't know for sure how many, some of those girls are there against their own will or have been trafficked there is heart breaking in every imaginable way. I felt a fight inside of me; I want to stereotype these men. There's a part of me that wants to go right up to them and tell them what they are doing is disgusting, horrible and any other word I could think of to say that would make them feel bad because of what they are doing and take them off their high horse. But...who am I to judge? Who am I to go up to these men that wouldn't care what I had to say anyways, and tell them what I think of them? Like I said, they wouldn't care what I had to say anyways. Knowing I have no place to judge, while wrestling with it in the moment, turned out to be a comforting thought later on. To know that God is Just, to know that God will always Love, to know that God is Good means, that while I feel my heart aching in the moment I see those events in the red light district unfold, I can ensure my heart ache turns to compassion for those there against their will and God will take care of the rest. I can focus on reaching out, helping, shining and being a light.

Focusing the energy in positive ways will always be more productive than focusing on the negative.